Recently I've been having these strange dreams and thoughts. Or maybe I'm just getting old. The notion of death has been appearing in my life too much recently and it really forces me to think about loss. Celebrities committing suicide, death of my acquaintances' loved ones, death of celebrities' loved ones etc etc... I really have no choice but to confront this idea of death.
I always hated thinking about it, but for some reason I used to think about it quite frequently right before I sleep. Just thinking about the idea of death itself. Maybe it's because of the darkness at night, maybe it's the stillness, maybe it's the silence. I try to imagine what happens after death. Is there an afterlife? And if there is, am I still myself? Do I lose all the memories? Do I just disappear into thin air like I've never existed? Do people remember me? And if no one does, did I ever really exist? So many questions, but I know I'll never get the answers. It's just so strange, you know, imagining a world where you don't exist. And life goes on.
Questions like these make me think too much and feel too depressed, so I stopped myself from thinking about it. Every time I start to do it I tell myself to enjoy what I have now and treasure everything. I guess in a way I'm just running away from it.
But I've always thought about death from the perspective of myself, like what would happen to ME. But now I'm starting to think about the death of my loved ones too and it honestly kills me inside. If people ask me what's my greatest fear now I'd definitely say losing the people I love. I just can't imagine it and I definitely don't want to, but I see it happening to others and I see it in the way my grandfather has been in and out the hospital, I see it in my papa's grey hairs and I see it in my mama's aching back. My heart breaks a little every time they complain about a certain sickness/pain and it was a rude awakening for me to realise that they're no longer the superheroes they appeared to be in the past.
It is honestly so heartbreaking and I cry whenever I think about it and I wish I could stop time but I know I can't. There's nothing I can do about it and I just feel so hopeless somehow. I know they always say that people live on in our hearts but it's different you know, it's so different. The only thing I can do now is to spend as much time with them as possible but I know it's never going to be enough. Never.
Sorry for such a sombre post, I know I haven't updated in AGES and I thought I wasn't going to anymore but I'm just lying on my bed struggling with this thought now and felt like I had to write it down to make myself feel better. Writing, as usual, is therapeutic.