Anyway, this post is dedicated to SHINee Jonghyun, whom I was a huge fan of back in 2010-2011. I fell in love with him after watching Hello Baby because he was (oh gosh I hate using past tense on him) such a hilarious and bright person. And also good-looking of course, but it was his silly antics that drew me to him! I still remember fangirling over him so hard back then and I always 'fought' with Jas about whether he's mine or hers (LOL). 

I sorta grew out of my kpop phase after that but he has always had a special place in my heart! Even though I didn't really keep up with SHINee's or his solo releases, I still click into articles talking about SHINee/Jonghyun just to see what he's up to. And he's been doing so well, starting to establish himself as a legit singer and artist. I'm so proud of him. 

He's also one of the very very few 'non-problematic' idols around apparently, because people always mention him when they talk about idols that spoke out for minority rights like LGBT rights, which is something that I stand for as well. He was a good person through and through and I was very glad that I supported someone like him whenever I read stuff like that. 

In the early years he came across as silly and funny, but I did notice that over the years he started coming across as someone who is very well-spoken and rather pensive. Which is also not a bad thing! But I didn't know the full extent of what he was going through, and I certainly didn't expect this to happen. I was so so so shocked. He was just so young and I never imagined having to see this kind of news, and in this kind of way. 

I just couldn't wrap my head around what was happening. I went to watch so many vids of him and read articles about him and I still couldn't accept it. Too young, too soon. 

But I think I'm starting to gain closure, especially after reading his will. It was absolutely heartbreaking, it was a painful read.  I don't think I can ever understand what he went through, but I could definitely feel the emotions and the struggle within him in his words. It was so, so suffocating that it made me feel that perhaps this was all for the better. At least he can now be happy and free. It's hard for me to accept it, but I think I can understand his decision. Though I wish he didn't resort to this, and I wished he could have gotten the support and love he needed. :( It's just so heartbreaking - for him, for his family and friends and fans. Something like this can be really destructive to everyone else too, so I can only hope that everyone else stays strong and keep fighting. 

Sadly, depression is definitely more common than I thought. I see it not just in showbiz but also amongst the people that I know and love. It pains me to see them suffering and sometimes I just don't know what to do. And I hate to see them struggling. I wish people talked more openly about mental illnesses, because all this hiding is just gonna be deterimental to everyone. :( 

It's the end of the year soon and tbh it's not exactly my fav time of the year although I do love Christmas and my birthday. But I've always thought of December as a month of nostalgia and melancholy, it just feels too much like farewell. Farewell to another year, to our youth, and to all the people we are leaving behind. I wish time moved slower so we'd have more time with the people we love. But I guess, at the end of the day, we're all gonna have to move on with our lives. 

But Jonghyun, I hope you know that you did make an impact in my life. I hope you know that you brought me so much joy and laughter, and you really made the world a better place with your music and your lovely words. Your courage, your strength and your warmth made this world a better place. You really worked hard, and you did a really good job. I'm so, so proud of you. Be happy wherever you are. 

Rest in peace, Bling Bling Jonghyun. :')