I woke up today morning, thinking that it's just going to be another normal day. I set my alarm at 8am because I wanted to study for an upcoming test, but when the alarm rang I ended up debating whether to postpone my alarm (as usual) when I made the decision to open my WhatsApp first before deciding. As it turns out, this decision changed everything. 

When I first saw the news, my first instinctive reaction was to not want to believe it, and I immediately went to check my other chats and the news. Although, deep inside my heart I probably already knew that it was true. It seems so surreal, 03:18... I was still sound asleep at that timing when one of the greatest heroes of Singapore past away. 

To be honest, I guess most of us were already mentally prepared for it, ever since those dreaded statements from the Prime Minister's Office. I definitely knew that it was a matter of time, but that does not make anything better when it finally happened. 

I never thought I would be so affected by this. I'm not terribly involved or interested in politics, and I never paid any additional attention to PAP and stuff other than those that I had to read for school/general knowledge. But some how, for some reason, he has affected in ways that even I could not fathom. In fact, I only truly realised how important he is to me last week, when the fake news of his death came out. I was astonished to find my self panicking, to find my heart beating quickly, and to find myself so, so distracted and concerned. 

I found myself praying that he could at least stay alive for our SG50 celebrations, to witness the golden jubilee of Singapore, the island state that he founded. He seemed like such a strong man, and I was almost convinced that nothing could ever bring him down. Unfortunately, it was not to be.  

Indeed, I do not necessarily agree with everything that he has said and done. But regardless of that, I have always held him in the highest regard. Some might say it's all because of propaganda, but I believe that I have reached an age where I can definitely discern for myself what is propaganda and what are the genuine truths. He has definitely made some questionable decisions and said some questionable things, but it is important to know that nobody is perfect. And he has never claimed to be so. He made those decisions because he believed that they were right, because he believed that those are the most suitable decisions for Singapore at that point in time. And I respect him for that. I respect him for always putting Singapore as his first priority, and above all I respect him for his courage, his determination, his fearlessness. 

Frankly, if you ask me who do I respect the most, my first would definitely be my parents, and my second is none other than Mr LKY himself. Many people hate the fact that he ruled with an iron fist, and many find his political views controversial. These may all be true, but what I also see is a man who was not afraid to speak up, not afraid of what the others think, not afraid of failures and challenges. And at the end of the day, that's all that matters.

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So I did one of the craziest things I've ever done. In fact, two of the craziest things. I went to queue to pay my respects, and I stood in the rain on 29th March to bid the final goodbye.

When I first heard the news of his death and knew about the Lying-In-State, my first reaction was that I would definitely go down and visit him. I thought not many would be going, but I was so, so wrong. I witnessed what was probably one of the craziest moments I've ever seen. I've never thought that queues would last as long as 10 hours and I definitely didn't think Singaporeans would do that willingly. The craziest thing of all is that on the morning of 27th March, I woke up to the news that the queue is 8 hours and STILL I got dressed in formal wear and went down to queue. Even while preparing myself I was thinking "I MUST BE CRAZY", but never for a moment I wanted to give up. Because I knew it was now or never. Also I went formal wear knowing I would have to queue for hours... I was having internal struggles with myself while dressing up but eventually I decided to still go with it because I guess I just didn't felt right going with anything else.

Met up with wy, fy and wq at City Hall MRT and we proceeded to queue! It was 'fascinating' in the sense that the people coming to join the queue was growing NON-STOP and wow I didn't know Singapore had this many people hahaha. I queued for around 5 hours in total, which was already a lot shorter than what I expected and honestly, it didn't feel that long. The overall experience was really pleasant in the sense that the queues are super orderly and everywhere you look, you'll see officers etc managing the crowd. Most people were also very 'auto' and would just queue patiently. As we enter the padang area, we saw lots of people giving out umbrellas, drinks, food etc and it was really heartwarming to see that. We then sat in our 'holding area for around 2+ hours and it was honestly quite hot but no one complained. I was lucky I sat in the half-shade half-sun area but I saw some people were totally sitting in the sunny area but they looked super peaceful too. And then whenever a box of food comes we'll just pass it around and see if anyone needs anything.

Throughout the entire 5 hours, all the officers/authorities etc were super nice, friendly and helpful to us. They really took care of everything and knew went to stop us for air ventilation and things like that, which I really found amazing. There were lots of volunteers around and all my respect really goes to them. Saw a cleaner uncle sorting all our rubbish and I took the opportunity to say thank you to him, which I'm really glad I did. He looked so happy :')

Eventually, we reached the Parliament House and I managed to pay my last respects to Mr LKY. It was probably just a few seconds but everything was so worth it. It doesn't make sense to me when people say they spend so much time just to see him for a few seconds. Because to me, that 5 hours of queuing wasn't just a waste of my time either. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience that have impacted me and will impact me for life. I have really never seen a Singapore so united, and I'm beginning to understand why my parents fell in love with Singapore when they first came.

Tbh other people probably think I'm quite strange to be so affected by this, especially since I'm not even a Singaporean. And tbh I found it quite surprising that I'm so affected as well. I cried at least once everyday during the 7 days of mourning mostly because of all the tear-jerking Facebook posts omg............... But I just really, really respect him and I'm really, really thankful to him. And I feel like nothing I do can ever repay him, and I guess that's why I try my best to pay my respects in whatever way I can. Because I know that nothing I do can ever be enough, and I feel sorry that I only feel this way after he is gone. In more ways than one, his passing is a wake-up call. To me, and to many Singaporeans.

My identity is as awkward as myself (har har). I secretly identify (not so secretly anymore) myself to be a Singaporean-Chinese, because I really can't say that I'm either one only. My habits, my culture and many more have definitely been 'Singaporean-ised', but I still feel a certain connection to my Chinese roots as well. So growing up, there were all these awkward moments when I do not really know how to react or feel, when I do not know who to side with. It was the same with LKY's passing, as many Chinese comments were actually super rude, calling him an "Anti-Chinese" and an "American Dog". Obviously, many of them were left by immature and ignorant netizens, but that knowledge did not make me feel any better. And of course, there were many positive ones too, but there were still a substantial number of negative comments, which honestly shocked me. And I found myself feeling so defensive and protective of LKY.

Of course, I understand their perspective as well, because even I myself don't accept all the things that he had said or done. But ultimately, I believe that his contributions far exceed his mistakes, and like I mentioned above, sometimes things depend on the circumstances as well. The fact that he did what he could and had his people in mind is what deserves all our respect. Well on a positive note, many Chinese who currently resides in SG or has been to SG have many good things to say about him! Seriously though the Internet is a scary place omg there are so many people writing and distributing crap there, some of those hater essays had like zero evidence.........

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Standing in the rain to send off LKY is probably one of the craziest things I've ever done. And I've also never cried so much for someone I didn't even personally know or talked to before. It's crazy how everyone there had one single goal in mind and nobody bothered about the rain or anything. It was, once again, a peaceful and heartwarming experience where people didn't squeeze or rush but just stood there patiently waiting for the cortège to pass by. Can't believe I stood in the rain for like near to 3 hours but honestly, when you're there you don't really feel it. It was great to see everyone holding on to their flags and to see the army guys saluting to him.

Afterwards I went back to my room to get a quick bath and went to fy's room with wy to catch the live streaming! Teared a bit during LHL's speech and cried the hell out of myself during LHY's speech. It was SO emotional and sad and ugh. The 3 of us were just crying in front of the laptop (sounds really stupid now but it was so sad at that time!!!) We continued to cry throughout the pledge and the anthem (we stood in front of a laptop in a room omg the visual image is hilarious but ya). Yup, guess that's the closure for us.

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I was, and am still, and I know I am going to be, sad about his death for a very, very long time. In more ways than one, he was a 'parental' figure to me. I grew up watching Chinese documentaries on Phoenix Television because my parents love watching documentaries, and so every now and then I got to hear his name and about his achievements. As for my parents, I wouldn't say they are major fans, but they definitely have a huge amount of respect for him. In fact, I have most of Lee Kuan Yew's books at home (though they're all in Chinese). And then we learn about all that he has done in schools etc. At some point in time we all probably felt that this was just 'propaganda', but his contributions to Singapore are definitely undeniable, and there is definitely a need to educate the future generations about what he and our forefathers have done for us. What's propaganda anyway? It's all subjective.

Like I mentioned above, this has been a wake-up call for me. In recent years, my family and I have started to feel the effects of the so-called anti-foreigner sentiments. As PRs, we are slowly starting to get discriminated by certain policies, and in general there is a feel that we want to move overseas. Whether it will come true, I'm not too sure, but all of us are definitely open to the idea, and my sis does have concrete plans to study and work overseas in the future. So I guess in one way or another, we were slowly starting to not appreciate SG. So this did serve as a wake-up call to me, to remind me to be appreciative, and not to take things for granted.

What will happen in the future, I do not know. But what I do know is that I'm thankful for the past 19 years of my life here. Likewise for my mum, I thought she didn't care, but she started reading LKY books again, changed her profile picture to the memorial icon, and even clarified those hater essays that my relatives/her friends forwarded to her by defending LKY. Previously when I whatsapped her about the critical condition of LKY, she didn't reply me, so I thought she didn't care. But when I got home she told me that after I told her, she immediately went to switch on the TV to check the news. (My family rarely switches on the TV LOL, in fact we don't even have batteries in our remote control, and she told me that only because she had to take the batteries from my electric fan's remote control)

In more ways than one, I think it is precisely the fact that I'm a foreigner that caused this to affect me so much. Because we're all so very grateful to him. It is because of him, that I'm living a life completely different from what I might be living. Singaporeans or not, permanent residents or not, foreigners or not, we are eternally grateful towards him for everything that he has provided us with and enabled us to achieve. It is because I'm a foreigner that I know that what could have happened to me if Singapore didn't happen. It is this contrast between what kind of a life I'm leading and what I could have been leading that makes me so grateful. In many ways, I have to thank him for this life that I have. 

I am glad that I was able to witness this once-in-a-lifetime occurrence, and I'm proud that I was able to be a part of it. As I've said, I cannot predict what will happen in the future, but this time round, Singapore has done me proud and no matter what happens in the future, I will always, always, always be thankful for the past 19 years of my life here. 

Thank you Mr Lee Kuan Yew, goodbye, and rest in peace.